Monday, January 28, 2008

karma is an
unsettling concept.
it is rigid, cold,
and not half as illogical as
most other schools of thought.
karma is like freakin'
grade point average.
it is cumulative,
too much bad must be
neutralised with
WAY too much good.
the bad tend to haunt you
to no end,
like how one tragic D grade
will take a lifetime of A pluses
to get over.

it is just too uncomfortable
believing that you have
that much say over destiny.
who wants to be admit
that they brought all the
shit upon themselves?
it is more comforting holding on
to something fluffier
and more ambiguous like
"God has a plan".

karma is also sad for us
lesser mortals
who really have nothing to
show for when we finally have
to reincarnate since we can't
seem to attain nirvana and
will have to stay in the vicious
cycle of life followed by death.
heaven talk is happier.
they say its like "going home
to the Lord",
like its a comparatively
greater idea.

altho' karma isnt really
meant to be about
retribution, vengeance,
or punishment
it attributes present experiences
to past actions.
which makes it impossible
to be healthy.

when my mother learnt about
her cancer
it broke her.
it's not only about grappling
with a seemingly imminent death,
it's about what karma is suggesting.

if she had to believe in karma,
she would have to live with the reasoning that:
She has been a bad person, therefore,
she deserves to suffer.
she would then have to go down
the slippery slope and
believe that the world will
judge her
based on the same conclusion.

karma blames.

so,
maybe i really don't want
any real answer.
i think want to believe in the
milder, more forgiving
suggestion.

10:58 PM

Sunday, January 27, 2008

sorry im a 超級星光大道
junkie.

梁文音 person ended second
to some Man with Long Hair.
who the hell cares,
she is still very good.

ALTHO
last season's champ is better.
林宥嘉 had smarter
song choices and was less
of an emo wreck.

12:40 AM

Saturday, January 26, 2008

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

EVERYONE SHOULD DEMONSTRATE OUTSIDE
MEDIACORP AND DEMAND THAT CHANNEL 5
AIR SEASON FOUR NOW!!!

11:01 PM

TRIVIA

gerk hit 21 some weeks ago.
so we made a big hoohaa out of it
at The Square
with some of the few
Tolerable-Extended-Family.

some Happy Happenings from
this week:
Friends From Faraway,
dermawan person
and michelle low zi xuan person
came back from indo and beijing
respectively.
Yayness to the world.

so we went for supper

ok don't freak out
i removed the hay from my scalp
and replaced it with red highlights.
i also allowed the stylist to
rebond my hair.
it is bizarre-
it is now perpendicular to the ground,
much like the girls i have been laughing at.
i feel geometrical.
what the heck,
all in the spirit of LNY
dammit.

today
RSPID @ Sentosa
where i screwed up my
right ankle again.
like a freaking annual ritual.
chicken shit.
anyway have many photos
but will post
one first until i find
the will to put my life up
on exhibit in cyberspace,
again.

the dancing tingting, she's precious :)

9:46 PM

Sunday, January 20, 2008

家家有本难念的经

10:23 PM

WOW COLLAGES ARE FUN!!!!!!!

4:40 PM

Saturday, January 19, 2008

i don't condone suicides,
but i do empathise.

there's really nothing
we know thats quite
as final as death.
people feeling invisible
know this.
they reaffrim their
existence by ceasing it.
it's like this sadistic
test to measure how much
they are
loved or worthed.

and more sadly,
it works.

sometimes there's so much
that has already been done,
so much already said,
that
there are just no words left,
nothing more to do.
people will be challenging,
and there doesnt
seem to be anything,
other than death,
that could make them just
stop and give us a moment.

dead people are always
glorified as great people.
they are great sons, promising doctors,
outstanding kids at school,
loving dads, talented musicians etc.
in contrast
people would be way more uncharitable
about giving out compliments to
people who arent dead.

and even if They
always sigh and warn me knowingly that:
"You'd never know, you could
be dead tomorrow",
i think the more troublesome
part of the argument
is the EVEN greater possibility
that you could be well and alive,
too,
tomorrow.

which then carries forward
all
obligations and responsibilities
of today on to tomorrow.
being dead would mean
that everything on the
To Do List
is automatically striked off,
being alive would mean that
everything on the
To Do List
would have to be
handled, executed, and whatever the heck.

in all
people who end their own
lives are just
people wishing very hard
to be loved the right way.

and even a druggie of an
amy winehouse tells us that
love is a losing game.

10:10 PM

Thursday, January 17, 2008

change is the only
constant.
it's all about how
to make that graceful transition.

strange is not
terribly foreign in my life-
i get it every now and then.
but yesterday was just bizarre.

because the rest of
the family has decided to
be Godly,
they thought maybe it would
be important to hold
some sort of ritual to
remove all sorts of
un-Godly, chinesey
ornaments and statues
and convert the household
altogether.

there was this
Goddess of Mercy sitting
on the altar,
who/which hasn't been worshipped to
nor given particular attention to
as far as i can remember.
it's just one of those "things"
that occur in a non religious
a chinese household hoping to "err" on
the safe side.
so as long as ive been in the household,
she's been there with
this look of tranquility-
she doesnt look too worried
being totally ignored.
not like she's giving me a problem,
i was happy to just let her be.

so yesterday some church people
came and performed the rituals,
God-talked, sang hymns, praised God and
condemned the Goddess of Mercy.

they then proceeded to
destroying her,
smashing her up,
and ordering her:
to leave in the name of Jesus.

my questions:
1) Why are they talking to a statue?
2) So if it is assumed that she
takes on a life of
her own, does she understand English?
She looks asian.
3) Why the hostility?
4) How does she feels being smashed up?
Not like she's done/not done anything
to deserve it.

i learnt that humanbeans
will believe what they want to.
if they decide that that an
idol moulded from clay is to be sacred,
it would be.
if they decide that the
same idol moulded from clay
is to be evil,
it would be.

so now they believe
that God has been
introduced into the household,
oh and
i was told God loves me.

i hope he does.
we could be friends.

10:50 PM

Sunday, January 13, 2008

i look at all of your lives,
and then myself,
and,
right now,
i really believe that
i have every right to
at least be
slightly sad.
and even if i really were more
than slightly sad,
unlike y'all
it is not
my prerogative,
anymore,
to talk about it.
the world will judge me and
maybe i will feel different
tomorrow,
but this is how im
feeling today,
yesterday, and many more days before.
and im sorry because
sometimes i
deserve to be myopic, wallowing in pitiness
and self absorbed.

12:27 AM

Thursday, January 10, 2008

happy people don't
always have
perfect lives.
it works some ways:
1) they don't harp very much on
perfection
2) they don't contemplate
the qualities of their existence
3) they make do with anything.

pathetically,
i am none of these.
i do not have a perfect life,
i like the idea of
perfection and i put together,
i ponder excessively and needlessly
about bullcrap,
and i am unable to make do.
THEREFORE
i am
not particularly happy.

i.e.
i am not unhappy per se,
just,
not particularly happy.

this is even if
life's not britney-messedup and
i count my share of blessings.

of course,
this should have
something to do with
my lapses in character.

this is why:
my mind has been conditioned
to run
on worse-case scenarios.
i expect them but
thing is,
i like to be Really Good.

i really wish there were
something that matters that
i am just sickeningly and
blatantly awesome at.
just ONE DAMN THING.

see
there is this
whole long list of things
i am grossly hopeless at,
another fair share of things
that i try in vain not to suck at,
and
a couple of other
not particularly meaningful
things that
i am just,
not terrible at.

that's about it.

its like if i died and they
had to put some words
in my orbituary,
it would just be this awkward
"...." or "ERM.."
or something.

worse,
being 20 kinda automatically
takes away your eligibility
to use the absurb reasoning
of life being unfair.

anyway i have no business
judging life.
'unfair' is just so..conclusive,
and not up to me to decide.
i know i say
life is sad, life is hard alot.
what i really mean is,
(my) life is sad, (my) life is hard.
i can't even really mean it.
i just thought that if i could
make things sound majorly terrible,
maybe i would realise the
insignificance of the real issue.

quite simply
i have completely used up
all my tokens on blaming.
i guess today is the time
to blame myself
for my flawed working attitude,
for incorporating all the clutter in my mind
into my bag, my desk, my tutorials,
my examination papers, my wadrobe,
and my ___________,
for my perpetual confusion,
for my flustered repetitive whining,
for my inability to execute any productive
solution plan beyond whining ETC ETC.

i am an inadequate human being.
so, like the Democrats,
i am proposing for Change in my life.

now i wish i were you,
maybe someday soon you will be
wishing you were me.

11:12 PM

Monday, January 07, 2008

Đàn bầu
is a vietnamese monochord:
single-stringed,
frame doesnt look
too sophisticated,
dont understand how it
manages to sound the way it does.
looks difficult to grasp,
but beautiful, very special sound:

10:41 PM

Saturday, January 05, 2008

I AM ROOTING FOR HER

OMG SAD CREATURE from 5:25 onwards

OMG AWESOME SINGING CREATURE

synopsis for nonchinese friends:
her parents are dead and
she sings great.

11:40 PM

MY GPA IS GOING
TO BE SO SHITFULLY SMALL
LIFE IS TRAGIC I NEED TO
GET A PLUSES FOREVER TO GET
OVER THIS FREAKIN' YEAR 1 SEM 1
I AM NOT GOING TO
GRADUATE WITH HONOURS
AND I CAN ALREADY SMELL
MY IMPENDING UNEMPLOYMENT
I AM GOING TO
FREAKINNNNNN DROP OUT OF SCHOOOOOL

OMG LOWPOINT
I HAVE TO STUDY LIKE
BRUTALLY HARD

GOODBYE MY FRIENDS I WILL
BE STUDYING
ALOT

1:48 AM